you sit down, shut up & read.
Bonjour my dear readers!
I'm in Belfort for the past two days. I'm writing to you in the toilet of my hotel room. That's right, I'm using wifi. Wifi allows you to connect to the internet in any corners of your life, even when you are in the coffin. Wifi also allows you to connect to the internet in any sexual positions you are in, even when you are doing the "Crotching Tiger, Hitting Dragon" position in 12x speed.
The French pronounce wifi as wee-fee and not why-fy, which I find rather cute. It reminded me of a cartoon series I used to watch when I was a kid. The main character in the cartoon was this half bunny and half hamster called Wee Fee. He screamed WEEEEFEEEE! repeatedly whenever the evil ostrich stucked its head up his ass.
Anyway, today I was taking a walk in the afternoon up to where the infamous sculpture "The Lion of Belfort" is. It was sculpted by Frederic Barthodi, who shortly afterwards built the Statue of Liberty in New York. I was walking beneath the lion with my head tilted sideways, trying to look for it's penis. I think Frederic was too lazy to carve it.
The Lion of Belfort. I climbed all the way up to where the French flag is.
On my way back, as I was walking. I saw dog shits on the pavement. There was this particular one that caught my attention. It was rather a big pile, with still some half digested beans in it. I quickly swirled like a snake to the side to avoid stepping on it but unfortunately the was a car approaching so I swirled right back like a snake(not the same snake) and landed on the big pile of shit, on both my feet. Great, not only I have shit in my anus, I have them on my feet too. I got so upset I closed my eyes and prayed, "Jesus, you put so much shit in my life I cannot handle the smell. Please don't challenge me anymore". Then I half-opened my eyes and peeped down my feet. Damn it, the shit was still there.
Fuck it, I didn't have time for this dog shit and the godly talk. It was a waste of my time. I had to rush to my film screening. So I started to brush my feet on the pavement furiously. I must confess that I enjoyed doing it. Finally I know how Moon-walk was created. I was so into the groove I took out my mp3 player and played a song from my favourite group Pussycat Dolls called "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman" and moon-walked all the way to the theatre.
This is where the whole film festival takes place. It is also the only film theatre in Belfort.
I met a Malaysian guy called Khim after my screening. He watched my film twice. He said his friend from Malaysia, Marina Mahathir recommended my film to him and she herself watched it twice too. Later I went with him to a soiree anglaise(an English-speaking get-together) organised by a group of friendly French cinephiles in Belfort. All of them are cinephiles and I'm the only pedophile there. I felt out of place.
I asked Khim, of all the places why he moved to Belfort. He replied: Because of love.
I guess I'm moving to hell then.
The readers who read this also read:
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #001 - The cold
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #002 - Speaking French
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #003 - Cooking
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #004 - How To Kiss A Dutch Girl
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #005 - My right hand
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #006 - Dead Fish Girl
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #007 - Thessaloniki
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #008 - Jesus put me in so much shit
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #009 - My paintings
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #010 - Merry Fucking Christmas
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #011- Pink Bras
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! post #012- Temporary Love
JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! aka I don't speak French is written by the filmmaker Liew Seng Tat during his stay in Paris. He is forced to write about his experience in Paris and update at least once a week. The characters and incidents described in JE NE PARLE PAS FRANCAIS! are always exaggerated, sometimes fictional and most of the time unpleasantly filthy. Please don't sue him.
Liew Seng Tat is a closet heterosexual.